eternal life.

this whole thing has kind of shaken my theology, especially my theology of death. ive dealt with death before but it seems that the threat of it now shakes me the most. i have spent some time thinking, journaling, praying about death- what it means, the reality of it, the mystery of it, and how much i hate it. but its funny- death is so natural. we live, we die, the world goes round. so why is death so scary? why do we live our lives in fear of it, possibly limiting living for fear of cutting it short. sometimes it seems so in depth and crazy that i cant even get my mind around it. if i believe, as i do, that our lives are merely a dot in eternity and that we are each here created to fulfill our purpose of being who God created us to be- then why am i so scared that maybe, just maybe God could use death for part of that purpose. I remember being at Matt Oliver's funeral and listening to his family talk about how God is good. i thought, "how could you possibly think that right now?" but i believe that their faith and the grace that God gave them to know that God truly is good- even when it hurts- alot. that funeral was such a testimony to me. it took the death of God's only Son to wash the sins of the earth and the cross in my mom's hospital room is a reminder to me that even in death, God is glorified. even in suffering he is present, even when i might feel he is miles away. "my God, my God- why have you forsaken me?" we all say that even if our whole world was taken from us we'd still believe in God and believe He is good. but our "whole world" can mean different things. maybe its a guy, a parent, a job, a body shape, a dream, a plan, etc. the past year so many of "my world" has been shaken. completely. everything i had planned out for my life- totally wrecked. my picture perfect little world cannot be. ive tried to figure out what God's purpose for this whole cancer thing is and for me i think part of it is to see that i am truly nothing. nothing at all without the Lord. no matter what happens, even good things. nothing can replace the unconditional, overwhelming love of Christ. nothing brings rest or peace like Christ. 

i dont know if my mom will live or die. eventually she will die, just a matter of when. we all will. i hope that i live each day without that fear- but sometimes it grips me. the fear of not having my mom here when lily is here, or to see her face the day i get married, having someone i can tell anything too, etc. im scared for my dad, my brother, and everyone else close to her. i regret alot too. i wish i hadnt cared so much about little things that really dont matter now. hopefully this is normal to think all these things. so i try to give this all to the Lord- trust that he really is in control and if the worst comes- there will be sufficient grace. sadly, its only when im brought to my knees that i find myself in the heart of God. that i hear him more clearly and feel him more present. 

I also think it's interesting to look at different perspectives on death. i do not comprehend how people can honestly think we just die. we just aren't anymore. i choose to think these people have not experienced death close hand because that is too depressing and hopeless for me to imagine. so here's some stuff i found on the subject:

Because I could not stop for Death,

He kindly stopped for me;

The carriage held but just ourselves

And Immortality.

We slowly drove, he knew no haste,

And I had put away

My labour, and my leisure too,

For his civility.

We passed the school where children played,

Their lessons scarcely done;

We passed the fields of gazing grain,

We passed the setting sun.

We paused before a house that seemed

A swelling of the ground;

The roof was scarcely visible,

The cornice but a mound.

Since then 'tis centuries; but each

Feels shorter than the day

I first surmised the horses' heads

Were toward eternity.

-Emily Dickison

"I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life." John 5:24

"I tell you the truth, if anyone keeps my word, he will never see death."-John 8:51

"For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body."- 2 Corinthians 4:11