eternal life.

this whole thing has kind of shaken my theology, especially my theology of death. ive dealt with death before but it seems that the threat of it now shakes me the most. i have spent some time thinking, journaling, praying about death- what it means, the reality of it, the mystery of it, and how much i hate it. but its funny- death is so natural. we live, we die, the world goes round. so why is death so scary? why do we live our lives in fear of it, possibly limiting living for fear of cutting it short. sometimes it seems so in depth and crazy that i cant even get my mind around it. if i believe, as i do, that our lives are merely a dot in eternity and that we are each here created to fulfill our purpose of being who God created us to be- then why am i so scared that maybe, just maybe God could use death for part of that purpose. I remember being at Matt Oliver's funeral and listening to his family talk about how God is good. i thought, "how could you possibly think that right now?" but i believe that their faith and the grace that God gave them to know that God truly is good- even when it hurts- alot. that funeral was such a testimony to me. it took the death of God's only Son to wash the sins of the earth and the cross in my mom's hospital room is a reminder to me that even in death, God is glorified. even in suffering he is present, even when i might feel he is miles away. "my God, my God- why have you forsaken me?" we all say that even if our whole world was taken from us we'd still believe in God and believe He is good. but our "whole world" can mean different things. maybe its a guy, a parent, a job, a body shape, a dream, a plan, etc. the past year so many of "my world" has been shaken. completely. everything i had planned out for my life- totally wrecked. my picture perfect little world cannot be. ive tried to figure out what God's purpose for this whole cancer thing is and for me i think part of it is to see that i am truly nothing. nothing at all without the Lord. no matter what happens, even good things. nothing can replace the unconditional, overwhelming love of Christ. nothing brings rest or peace like Christ. 

i dont know if my mom will live or die. eventually she will die, just a matter of when. we all will. i hope that i live each day without that fear- but sometimes it grips me. the fear of not having my mom here when lily is here, or to see her face the day i get married, having someone i can tell anything too, etc. im scared for my dad, my brother, and everyone else close to her. i regret alot too. i wish i hadnt cared so much about little things that really dont matter now. hopefully this is normal to think all these things. so i try to give this all to the Lord- trust that he really is in control and if the worst comes- there will be sufficient grace. sadly, its only when im brought to my knees that i find myself in the heart of God. that i hear him more clearly and feel him more present. 

I also think it's interesting to look at different perspectives on death. i do not comprehend how people can honestly think we just die. we just aren't anymore. i choose to think these people have not experienced death close hand because that is too depressing and hopeless for me to imagine. so here's some stuff i found on the subject:

Because I could not stop for Death,

He kindly stopped for me;

The carriage held but just ourselves

And Immortality.

We slowly drove, he knew no haste,

And I had put away

My labour, and my leisure too,

For his civility.

We passed the school where children played,

Their lessons scarcely done;

We passed the fields of gazing grain,

We passed the setting sun.

We paused before a house that seemed

A swelling of the ground;

The roof was scarcely visible,

The cornice but a mound.

Since then 'tis centuries; but each

Feels shorter than the day

I first surmised the horses' heads

Were toward eternity.

-Emily Dickison

"I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life." John 5:24

"I tell you the truth, if anyone keeps my word, he will never see death."-John 8:51

"For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body."- 2 Corinthians 4:11

windows rolled down.

i wrote a 53 pg paper on coping mechanisms for my senior paper at JBU- but somehow, i can't implement those same skills in my life when i need them the most. my best place to "cope" is through running, but the weather isnt helpful for that and my schedule is slightly busy/chaotic- i know, i know- i could do it if i really wanted to but to be honest i just dont have it in me. ive been doing run/walks every so often but thats even a stretch now. this whole thing effects so many areas of my life- its unbelievable. but today i found a coping skill that is fairly easy for me to do: roll down the windows and pull back my sunroof, crank up 80s or rap music and sing my heart out...on the highway. it was especially invigorating tonight for me to do. i had also just come from drinks with nate, sam, jake, etc. at a restaurant downtown and we got to eat on the roof! so i was feeling refreshed, i laughed alot- too bad me laughing really hard is an event to remember- kissed the love of my life and was on my way. until of course a person related to me decided to call and bitch me out in a descrete, snotty way that i wasnt at the hospital after class. are you kidding me? wow. who the hell says that? amazes me that people judge that kind of stuff when they have no clue- no clue at all. as my aunt said i needed a "mental health" day. how i wish i could have a "mental health" week, month, year? 

i tried to tell myself id be happy, and only look at the positive things when writing but then id have to lie if i ever wrote, so i guess id rather be an honest bitch than a sweet liar. i will however try to write at least 1 positive thing. so heres as many as i can think of at the moment or as many as im willing to write:

*nate gave me a james avery butterfly (i have a slight obsession with butterflies) necklace on sunday for no apparent reason- just because. i cried. mostly because ive odd and have day dreamed about a guy giving me a necklace for some time now- so ya, i got to live that one out. 

*i am really enjoying my classes and getting to know the people in them. i laughed so hard today in human behavior. we did this crazy activity to show how we judge, differences in culture,etc. it was just hilarious. 

*my dad and i continue to get closer- i guess we kinda have to though

*i got to be with my boys sat night. sooo good! we stayed up and chatted till 3am and then watched a movie- late night but so worth it. 

*i got my haircut last week- always makes me feel sexier. not sure why. 

*the weather. oh the weather. 

*an extra hour of sun light. 

*finally went grocery shopping and had good food today. 

*so grateful for the women who stayed with mom today so i could go to class and have somewhat of a break this afternoon and evening. 

*i feel oddly close to God. like i hear his voice even when im not asking him to speak or trying to listen. its very crazy- maybe he really is fighting for me, i just need to be still. 

enough of me being positive. 

-elizabeth

belle

i've been told on more than 1 occasion that i'm not a very "open" person. I tend to be quite private, i don't like to be weak or ask for help or let people know whats going on with me- and i want to go into social work! HA! im up at the hospital, where i usually am, and decided to make a "blog." i came across my friend, miss heather watson's, blog and was inspired to make one myself. i am horrible at the phone, so i thought maybe this would be some kind of way of communicating and let my friends know how i am- kind of arrogant of me to assume people care, but whatever. 

so my mom was diagnosed with mantle cell lymphoma stage IV last june. she has gone through the chemo part, she had a bone marrow transplant (her brother was a perfect match:) February 27 and now she is in recovery. she will be in the hospital for probably 1-2months. so that means- i am here as well. i decided in the fall not to pursue any jobs and be with her full time. im very grateful i even have this option- although moving back in with my parents at 23 can be a little frustrating at times. 

i tried to think of a super clever name and "like a lily" was already taken so i opted for "my hardest run"- seems kind of negative i guess. the reason i chose it is because i feel like this whole thing is like a run. i use running for pretty much every metaphor in life, but i think it is especially appropriate now. in my days running i almost always hit a "wall." i simply dont wanna run anymore, my body hurts, im tired, etc. thats kind of where i am right now with this whole cancer thing. im worn the hell out. but at the same time i do know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and this too shall pass. sometimes i cant really think straight so i just keep moving...like when i run. so theres my explanation. 

on a sweeter note, my fabulous boyfriend-nate- wrote me this love letter about 2 weeks ago. at the end of the letter he had written out what looked like a poem, each line in various languages. he told me i was supposed to figure it out- but i didnt actually do it until today. so i spend over an hour looking up all these words trying to figure out what the hell it means and FINALLY i come across some note someone had written about how they were trying to figure out the translation of a jack johnson song belle- the same lyrics written in my letter. Nate's version:

Oi lienda

Bella che fe?

Bonita, bonita que tal?

But Elizabeth

Je ne comprends pas Francais 

So you'll have to speak to me

Some other way

Jack Johnson:

Oi lienda

Bella che fe?

Bonita, bonita que tal?

But belle

Je ne comprends pas Francais

So you'll have to speak to me

Some other way

i dont deserve him. how romantic is he? im soo very grateful that the Lord put him in my life when He did. 

Until i feel like writing again

-elizabeth

*i think KD should each create one of these so i can know all your deepest, darkest thoughts as well:) and just so im not on here alone. miss you girls!!!!